My daughter had a fungal infection on her right arm. I took her to a doctor who prescribed an ointment to be applied thrice a day. Since she is a nine-year-old obedient child who is able to successfully carry out her little responsibilities; I told her to make sure that she applies the ointment thrice as advised by the doctor. One day she was lost in her favorite TV program when I asked her whether she had applied the ointment or not. She had forgotten to do so and in order to escape my reprimanding; simply replied, “Yes, I have.” The tone in which she answered led me to go and scrutinize whether she was telling the truth or not. A close scrutiny of her arm indicated that she had lied. This resulted in loss of five minutes of her favorite program as I lectured her on how she should be conscious of her responsibilities and most importantly refrain from lying as that is wrong. The reason that she gave for her lying was that she felt that if she would have told me the truth, I would have asked her to immediately get up and put the ointment on her arm when she wanted to apply it after the program got over or probably during the advertisement break. I was intrigued by her statement, “Ma, not only the program but you are important too and I simply did not want to disappoint you by saying I have not put the ointment on the infection because I know you badly want it to disappear.”
The honesty of her answer made me think that is it always morally wrong to lie. Don’t all of us lie simply because at that time it is the best thing to do and make others around us happy? In quest of getting the truth about lying I came across the following categories of lies that non-liars often indulge in.
Sometimes we lie to make ourselves more socially acceptable
Some lies make us more civilized human beings. Suppose you have been invited to a dinner party by a person with whom you don’t get along well. What would you say to avoid this unwanted situation?
Option 1 - “I don’t want to come because I don’t like interacting with you.”
Option 2 - “I would have loved to come but I have a prior appointment.”
A majority of us would use the second option because we are civilized human beings who want to avoid unnecessary confrontations or we simply don’t want to hurt people and for that sake we don’t mind telling a lie or two.
At some point or the other all of us have indulged in false praise. Suppose you are interacting in a group of five. If X praises Y’s dress; which you don’t like at all and the others in the group do the same and ask for your opinion. What would you say?
Option 1 – “I don’t like this dress at all!”
Option 2 – “I think X is right!”
It is most likely that you will use the second option because we generally don't want to hurt the sentiments of others.
Hence lying to make ourselves socially more acceptable is right or wrong?
Sometimes we lie to keep the trust of the people who consider us trustworthy enough to guard their secrets.
M is your friend. He is in a relationship with another woman and the only person with whom he has shared this secret is you and has obviously asked you not to share this with anyone else. One day his wife N calls you up to enquire whether you know where her husband is because he is not answering the phone. You know that M is with the other woman. What will you do?
Option 1 – “You will tell N that her husband is busy with another woman.”
Option 2 – “You will say that you don’t have any idea where he is.”
No one likes breaking trust of one’s friend and perhaps this is why you will not spill out the secret and opt for option 2. Are you doing wrong by keeping the promise that you have given to your friend? Sometimes don't we lie to keep the trust of the people who consider us worthy enough to share their secrets with us?
Sometimes we lie to maintain harmony with people around us
It was A and B’s seventeenth wedding anniversary. B wanted to try out a recently opened restaurant which he used to see everyday while driving back from office. He came back home early to surprise A. A was busy in the kitchen rustling up some traditional meal. She did not expect B so early and hence when the call bell rang, instead of being happy that her husband was back home early; she felt a bit irritated as he would be able to see all the surprise dishes that she had been preparing for dinner. If you would have been in A’s position, what would have been your reaction.
Option 1 – “Wow, back home so early!!”
Option 2 – “Why didn’t you tell me that you will be coming early today, I had some surprise plans.”
Obviously, to keep peace on your anniversary day, you would have chosen the first option. A did the same and carried on with her work in the kitchen with a smile even though she highly disliked the fact that B came to know about her elaborate surprise menu; hours before it was actually the time for the food to be laid on the dining table. She felt a little disappointed that she was not able to see the instant joy on his face that she was looking forward to.
B spent his time in front of the TV instead of spending with his wife as she was busy in the kitchen. He had come home thinking of spending some quality time with her by taking her out for dinner to the restaurant he badly wanted to go to.
Now if you would have been in B's position, what would have been your reaction?
B spent his time in front of the TV instead of spending with his wife as she was busy in the kitchen. He had come home thinking of spending some quality time with her by taking her out for dinner to the restaurant he badly wanted to go to.
Now if you would have been in B's position, what would have been your reaction?
Option 1 – “Your plan to prepare dinner at home spoilt my plans of checking out the new restaurant that I badly wanted to go to on our anniversary.”
Option 2 – “Thank you for preparing such wonderful dishes to celebrate our anniversary.”
It is most likely that you would have opted for option 2. B reacted the same way. So hiding about one’s true feelings from one’s spouse is right or wrong? Sometimes don't we lie to maintain harmony with people around us?
Sometimes we lie for the good of the person we are lying to
C and D were two sisters. C was fighting a fatal disease in hospital. D was there with her all the time to provide emotional support to her sister and her family. The doctor had said that there was no chance of C’s survival. C and D’s mother was very frail and old and lived alone in a different city. The only source of information about her daughter C’s condition was D’s telephone calls. The old lady was herself fighting many diseases. D knew that their mother would not be able to bear the pain of hearing the news that there was no chance of survival for C. If you were in D’s position what would have you done.
Option 1 – “You would have told your mother that there is no chance of C’s survival.”
Option 2 – “You would have provided her hope for as long as possible by telling her that there were chances of C’s improvement.”
Many of you would have gone for option 2. D did the same thing. She did not want her old and frail mother to suffer by hearing the truth that there was no chance of C’s survival. She wanted to provide her a ray of hope for as long as she could. Did D do something wrong by giving false statements to her mother? Sometimes don't we lie for the good of the person we are lying to?
I hate to lie but I indulge in it in the situations that are similar to the four situations that have been described above. I do this despite the fact that I have received innumerable lessons in my childhood both at school and at home that lying is bad and we should always speak the truth. As of now, I have passed on the same lessons to my daughter. However, I am sure that as she grows older and experiences more complex situations in her life; she would start lying not for the heck of it but because sometimes a lie is less damaging than the truth.
