The Great Dilemma

Whether to unfriend your ex and her friends on facebook or not?

Two days ago,  I came across a feed from one of my friends on facebook. He had shared a link on his wall, which asked the following question:

I'm cleaning out my friends list, Do you want to stay? Let me know.

	YES
	NO
	NOT  SURE

I found this link very sweet. The most wonderful thing one can expect from one’s friend is that he / she simply remains his friend because there is nothing more to be prized than true friendships. Considering the affable nature of the person who had shared this link on his wall, I am sure he would not have received any clicks on the second and third option.

However, this might not be the case for many especially the ones who are going through a recent break-up or divorce. Facebook friendships are different from the conventional friendships. In many  people's profiles certain friends are there in the friends’ list not because they have direct friendships but because they are friends of the people one is dating or married to. It is common for couples in love to share everything and that applies to sharing some friendships in facebook as well. After break-up or divorce these shared friendships can become a reason of discontentment.

A couple was going through the procedures of divorce. The wife had to let go all her acquaintances that were mutual between her and her husband because her husband was projecting himself to be the perfect gentleman and  making their mutual friends believe that the wife was the only reason of why they broke up. It was even more disturbing for the woman when she discovered that even though she had unfriended her husband on facebook; he had access to her posts through their mutual acquaintances and was actually trying to gather evidence against her to undermine her credibility in order to gain an edge in the divorce proceedings.

The other day, I was discussing this issue with one of my friends who had a recent break-up in a relationship that had stretched for a couple of years. He felt that if one is in good terms with the acquaintances of the person with whom one has had a break-up or divorce then why to unfriend them without any reason. He had a point, but then he also mentioned that it is disturbing when latest information related to his ex or the pictures in which she is tagged in; pops up in his facebook feeds through the profiles of their mutual friends. He accepted that those are the moments when he looses focus for some time.

I can correlate this feeling of helplessness with one incident of the past. Many years ago, I was busy shopping in a crowded shopping area of Mumbai with one of my friends when she came face-to-face with her ex . He was there with his new girlfriend. My friend and her ex exchanged some formal pleasantries and even though I  knew their common past, instead of giving them  some personal space, I kept on standing there throughout their conversation, like a silly person because Mumbai was new to me and  I didn’t know where to go without my friend even for a short while. The new girlfriend  of the guy would have stayed back all through the conversation if she had the slightest inkling of the depth of feelings that was oozing out from the hearts of both the parties. She thought they were just casual acquaintances and hence got lost in the milieu of shops that were spread out on both the sides of the busy street on which we were standing. There was nothing hurtful that the guy told to my friend but after we got inside our guided tour bus,  I had a hard time consoling and comforting her as it was difficult for her to see her ex and that too with the new love of his life.

The chance meetings like the one described above cannot be avoided but one can definitely escape the sad feelings that automatically gets erupted by facebook feeds of one’s ex spouse or girlfriend through mutual friends. It is necessary to keep the emotions under control when all is over and unfriending the friends and relatives of one’s ex on facebook can prove to be helpful.

Many people are unable to do so because they don’t want to appear rude to the people they are unfriending. However, by being friends with people who were friends to you just because of your ex, you are keeping the windows open and when the windows are open something or the other will definitely fly in and cause a hindrance to the serenity of the new life that you are trying to settle in.

Coming back to the link of my friend, that triggered me to write this blog post, I think the person who has designed it, is a thoughtful guy.  If ever we share that link on our walls and if ever we receive a click on the option ‘no’, we should take it positively because may be the person who has given this reply needs our help to get over something. Sometimes we can be of help to others by being their friends and sometimes we can help others by not being in their friends’ list.

How My Family Became Stronger

I was about to head to ten days of rejuvenating vacation with my family when I badly hurt my fourth and fifth toe of my left foot. The fourth toe got fractured. The ligament of the fifth toe was torn and the bone was dislocated. To add to my woes the skin that joins my fourth toe with the fifth one had deep cuts and the doctor had to give seven stitches to sew the wound that was oozing with blood. I had to also undergo surgery for repairing the ligament and of course for fixing the dislocated bone to its usual position. I was in pain but more than that I was distraught that my daughter would not be able to enjoy the vacation that she was badly looking forward to. However, my sorrows end here. What followed was an extremely enriching feeling for me. Though I am weak temporarily; my family is stronger than before!

This crisis situation has brought us even closer. I was overwhelmed by the love, concern and care showered upon me by my husband and daughter. I kept on smiling because I wanted to instil the importance of a positive mental health on my daughter’s impressionable mind. I understand that if I display the feelings of peace and calmness even in testing times, she will be less likely to have emotional problems while dealing with the complexities of life. I want her to be strong and hence had to become strong myself.

Since I was emotionally positive, my husband got strength to deal with the additional responsibilities with a clearer mind. Even when I was in hospital he made sure that the everyday routine of our house is not disrupted. Life should move on at its usual pace even when there are setbacks. Since both my husband and I try to find advantages in adversities; we found this a good opportunity to teach our child how to take some more load of running the house. 

I am back home. Doctor has advised restricted movement. What can be a better time to teach some additional household skills to my daughter and I am taking full advantage of my restricted movement by making her stronger in all aspects. She is learning new household skills and unconsciously observing how to be cheerful even in bad situations. To add to these advantages I am able to spend more time with her.

I have also been able to really spend quality time with my husband, which is otherwise impossible because of his hectic schedule. Though the vacation would have given us this opportunity, the quality time that I am getting without going on the vacation is more precious and meaningful to me.

As a family we are stronger now, because we understand that it is not our physical condition but our attitude and environment at home that affects our mental well-being. We are stronger because we know that our happiness is connected to each other and this is why the three of us are laughing together more than before because now we understand that a family that laughs together can successfully fight the adversities.

The hospital staffs were good to me. They understood my needs so well and were completely empathetic to my pain even when they have to face taxing manoeuvres every day in their careers. Our relatives are far way but are emotionally supporting us over frequent phone calls. We are stronger because in this crisis situation we were able to realize that we are surrounded by excellent neighbours, friends and colleagues. They have been our pillars of strength and have provided support in more ways than we could think of.